October 25th, 2011
|09:23 am - And on this 25th Day.|
On my floor there is a unicorn tangled in the wires of an original Nintendo.
On my bed are copies of theorists talking about colonization and economics.
In my hand is a cup of roommate coffee in a garage sale mug.
Out my window is October sunshine on Brookline trees.
In my head is a voice that will soon be 25.
In my skin wrinkles are wrinkling out more after smiles fade.
On my resume there is more education, with the dates of 'experience' fading further into the calendar pages.
In my priorities are rent, groceries, laundry.
My hours are flying.
Current Mood: awake
November 8th, 2010
I am drinking wine, eating birthday chocolate, and applying for jobs.
This can only end well.
May 20th, 2010
|11:39 pm - I Remember.|
Train rides are like memories. The present speeds past, and you look up, only gaining clarity as it fades away.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Post sun down
January 7th, 2010
|09:53 pm - Snow Day.|
Age. I am getting old, folks. Now now, this is not a pity party. But more of a generalized...wow, damn, really? feeling. There was a snow day at work so the owner's three daughters were running everywhere. They were cute and entertaining. And the 2 year old managed to cover her face in pink doughnut frosting and walked around saying 'pink!' for awhile.
I am 20 something years older than these kids. Isn't that crazy? As someone not really involved with children on a daily basis, I meander that world of 'adults'. Lucky, I've been that young adult.
But I am out of school. Chapter closed. And while I eagerly await to dive back in, I start to notice the lines form under my eyes. Three creases in my forehead, that make me aware of my facial expressions. When I put on mascara, I try to not deepen them by lifting my eyebrows. I notice these changes in the faces of my close friends. Of old loves.
We are aging. And it is subtle.
I feel much more confident and attractive than I did at 19. I think I put myself together better and have managed to over come the listening qaulity that reads as 'quiet' to people, at least, in a few situations. There are still personalities and environments that push me further into observer rather than actor.
But those wrinkles. Part of me finds them a little sexy. Wisdom'y. I'll be one of those 40 years old soon with laugh lines. Not too soon..I get that.
But there are major mile stones I plan to have in the next 10 years. I plan to move out of my house for reals, into a real city, I plan to go on into higher education. Maybe as a professor one day..I really don't know. I might get married in 10 years. I plan on having a kid by the time I'm 33 (I hope).
10 years goes by sort of fast. At least, it has in segments. I was not 12 that long ago, but the world and universe I live in is so vastly different than when I was 12.
Anyway.. my face is on the change, as is my love, my goals, my confidence. And I love it, in a weird way. But I still get a little, yes sad, when I look at facebook profile pics from 2 years ago and can tell I am a younger me. I don't think I can pull off 18 anymore, and I think when I was 21 I still could. I think I can still pull late 20 if I fix myself right. But on the average, I'm looking my age.
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: He Needs Me, by Nina Simone
January 5th, 2010
|12:40 am - Do you know?|
Do you want to know what I want more than anything?
To live somewhere normal.
with normal people.
maybe health insurance.
maybe a car.
But mostly, I want sane people, and the freedom to walk out of my door any damn time I want. And to see other people. Doing the same thing.
I miss civilization. And culture. Coffee shops and people smoking on the corner (even though I do not smoke). I miss roaming at all hours. I miss my car starting.
I miss life.
there is no life here.
my heart beats alone in this little room.
and so it has all day.
I miss people.
Current Mood: annoyed
December 20th, 2009
|09:57 am - True.|
Current Mood: silly
November 2nd, 2009
|09:46 pm - Ownership, Love, and Dreams..|
I love you. You are mine. You cannot love anything else, because I love you.
We all want someone to love us, to give themselves, all of them..to us. But, is there any adult that truly wants to give over everything solely to another person? Their love. Their trust. Their shame. Their joy.
We want to share a meal. A post card. We want a hug. We want that body in the bed.
But why do we crave from other people (sometimes perfect strangers) what we do not, will not, give to another soul.
Perhaps the parent child bond breaks this. And somewhere internal, there is an override. I made you. You made me. We love.
Copying this unique bond to another person. A lover. Seems so impossible. And so fleeting.
Should we stay by family? Everything is on a unique clock. Every cell in your own body is ticking to it's own rhythm. When your own body isn't even in unison, how on earth, and why, do we dream and crave to have a different person's body tick with ours? It's impossible.
Chance is nice in that it allows for everything. We may tick down at the same time as those we choose to keep around.
But to move, or to stay, by 'family'. By those which we have this unique bond (not a catch all 'family'..but for the purpose of this). We mostly want to recreate what made us happy. We will keep trying.
But what made us happy at four and at twelve or even at sixteen, will most likely only haunt us at twenty five or thirty seven. Right? Our brains do change. Chemically. They alter, and forget, and even sometimes, make up their own memories. We confuse dreams with life and life with 'maybe's. Was the car blue or gold? Was it Carrol or Sasha? Our facts are crossed.
And yet. Despite it all. We love. Even if we cannot have or get left behind or even stepped on. We love. Not only do we love, we want more of it. We always want love. Like breathing. Or water. Our cells crave it in some fashion.
The crushes we can't have. The fun infatuations. The one night stands. The marriages that last lifetimes. The generations. The bastards. The royals.
I love you. Don't leave me.
I'll eat you up, I love you so.
--this post courtesy of turning twenty-three & Where the Wild Things Are.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Better, by Regina Spektor
October 22nd, 2009
|10:05 am - Sane, or Something Like It|
Two close friends told me in the same day that they 'don't know who I am' / feel that I've been scattered lately.
Well, lets see... 2009. Lived in foreign country (unhappily a lot of the time) in very stressful actor program. Was unhappy with body / personality. Became pretty independent and confidant. Learned I love traveling alone. Can navigate in a country where I cannot read/speak the language, big confidence boost. Took planes / trains alone, found places, alone. The happiest I was abroad was when I accomplished my own task. A few days alone at Regent's Park, walking around Paris, walking around Athens, finding my hostel / friends, going to Exeter and finding the 'white house on a hill'.
Tiny Circus I was never alone. Communal living is very good and very bad. I had never lived with two other only children before. I had never been single in Iowa in July before (what an adventure..).
I fell totally out of love with Theatre, something I had loved since I was 8 years old.
I became passionate about human rights and women's rights. I found out I love working with little kids. I like talking to strangers. I reaffirmed the fact that I love travel.
I finished college. And lost the ability to speak / see a community of people that helped me grow, change, and survive a pretty hard time in my young adult life.
Personally, what feels the most different inside me, is that I'm not as shy about saying what I believe in. It's a growing process, but it's getting there. Before, I would hesitate to say 'I like Garfield' unless someone said it first, b/c that might be embarrassing. Now I say..I think I'd like to try an open relationship one day. And then get the confused stares of my close friends. Who say I'm being defensive and 'thinking like a guy'. I analyze television, media, the theatre in a new way...
When I go to the bookstore, I look at the Gender / Cultural / Women's Studies books instead of drama and fiction. I still like them alright..but they aren't feeding me in the same way.
I'm trying very hard at accepting my body as the adult body it wants to be instead of forcing it into the teenage body my mind remembers. This is hard. Very hard. Manic / depression inducing hard. But I'm working on it.
I miss my friends more. Usually I give up the relationship when I can't see them, save a close few.
My relationship with my parents changed a lot. Quickly.
My cat of nine years died. Right after my four year boyfriend cheated, yelled, left, and ignored me for close to a year. (but this was 2008..).
So..I -am- different.
And yes..I don't know if I want to work in theatre, education, advocacy, writing, or what.
..yeah... I'm whole. I'm just intricate.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in your Hair), by Scott McKenzie
October 5th, 2009
|02:06 am - Hahahahaha... oh, me oh my Midwest!|
A string of responses to this - (found on bitchphd.blogspot.com)
(You know, I've followed U of M sports my whole life and never understood why they call themselves Gophers. I mean, c'mon. Gophers? The Hell?)
Oh, and U of Minnesotans are Gophers because half the campus is underground (easier getting around in snowbound winters). Tunneling underground creatures = gophers.
Well, that makes sense, too. In a kind of non-heroic, clammy and subterranean way.
Badgers are, of course, burrowing critters, too, living on bugs and roots and night crawlers and bunny rabbits and such. But they also have a reputation as fierce fighters, ready to slug it out till the last dog is hung.
Gophers have a reputation for, what, digging up the lawn?
Good point. Maybe it's that Minnesotans are also famously understated and modest and polite, and wouldn't want to go around scaring people with a big nasty mean mascot.
I went to a 'party' (of married / un married 30 something year olds) when I was in St. Paul for the Tiny Circus gig. The hostess got silly drunk and started to ramble. We were trying to play a game. An improv game to prep for brainstorming and storytelling for our first adult workshop which was going to happen at 9 a.m. We started shouting words for a list of 'Minnesota' things. Among "Cold" and "Tater-Tot-Hot-Dish", she threw out "NICE!".
Current Mood: silly
Current Music: Brandy Alexander, by Feist
September 22nd, 2009
|10:44 pm - Youch.|
Not having a car is it's own particular brand of poison.
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Yellow, by Coldplay